A Fairy Went A-Marketing. Likely my very favorite book ever. Each time you read this book, you can find something new and beautiful in the illustrations. Only one left on Amazon as I write this! http://www.amazon.com/Fairy-Went–Marketing-Rose-Fyleman/dp/0140547517/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368205794&sr=8-1&keywords=a+fairy+went+a+marketing

AlphaBears. My favorite from my own childhood. Wonderful rhymes for bears with lovely names and very unique personalities. A great way to learn ABCs. Very rare and was out of print for a long while and now is back! http://www.amazon.com/Alphabears-ABC-Book-Kathleen-Hague/dp/0805016376/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1368205733&sr=8-2&keywords=alphabears

Mama Loves. Tear jerker for me because it seemed to be talking exactly about ME as a mom. All the things this piggy mama loves to do through the seasons with her favorite piglet by her side. Quite truly my very favorite illustrator.  Very Rare. Buy up your used  ”very good” copies on Amazon. Usually $60 and up for any brand new copies people can find!

Waiting-for-Spring Stories. Nothing but the cutest little stories you have ever read in your life, and all about bunnies.

Out of the Ocean. Many years ago I read this to my first graders and by the end of the story I was crying. Perfect for ages 6-10. Done as a beautiful construction paper landscape collage with photo images of ocean-finds embedded. An excellent art project to do afterward. 5 left in stock as I write this.

Pete the Cat and His Four Groovy Buttons. Not rare but newer and amazing. My daughter learned subtraction with this book at 3 years old. Cute little pun at the end!

 

Oh, the Whining!

1) Saying, “I hear you”. Say “I hear you” both when your child is staying something wonderful and also when your child is whining. Letting your child know they are heard and not ignored when you are about to say “and” or “but” or “no” as in:

“I am hearing that you want a cookie and I said you will have a cookie after you have had a few bites of beans.”

And then, instead of just saying “I love you” back, I sometimes say “I hear you say you love me. That makes me feel so happy. I love you too.”

For my daughter and myself, we both feel so much better after I have said that I’ve heard her.

2) Refraining form Shushing. Saying “Shh” can be a helpful calming technique for some infants, but it is a very disrespectful thing to do to a toddler or preschooler. So your little one is whining for your attention or saying something awful, or “fake” crying, or repeating ad nauseam or crying dramatically. Yes, it is annoying and sometimes we run out of the right things to say in response. But the first time I ran out of something to say as a response to whining and I said “Shh” was a very difficult experience for me. I heard it come out of my mouth and I felt I had stabbed both of us in the heart and I had “shut her up.”

Turning to someone who is trying to vocalize a need, perceived need, a want or a discomfort and telling them to hush is extremely disrespectful. We would never “shh” an adult. Shushing does equate to “shut up and shut down.”

Instead, you can breathe a loud, deep breath and ask for the child to breathe with you. Instead, we can we can simply say “I hear you.” Instead, we can say “I don’t know what to do/say.” The child gets to have his experience. You get to witness his experience. We don’t  always have to change or fix his experience.    #greatestlessonofall  #codependentnomore

http://mamalady.wordpress.com/2013/03/01/progressive-parenting-secret-1-extreme-modeling/

Below is the link to the latest question and answer. Here is how you can send us your difficult questions:

http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/ask-np-mentor/

An NPN reader asks our natural parenting mentors:

How do you deal with other parents who behave aggressively toward their children?

My son is in kindergarten and it is necessary for him to ride the school bus. My daughter and I walk with him to the bus stop each morning and wait with him. While there, the other kids play around. This is normal, and all of the kids do it. There is a mother there who screams at, yells at, and threatens her children constantly. Usually, the children are doing nothing wrong, and they completely ignore her because they are so desensitized to her.

Read more at Natural Parents Network >>

Here’s my confession: When I was breastfeeding my 3 month old and needed to have two Surgeries for Gall Bladder Disease, I didn’t Pump and Dump- against Dr’s wishes. I let all of that medication (anesthesia, Percoset for days and whatever they pumped into my IV) flow into my baby’s body with my milk. I did so knowing that most meds get into breastmilk minimally if at all, and that the studies of the effects of which are few. I decided I felt that even “tainted” Breast Milk was better than ANY formula option. I got almost nothing with a breast pump and I wasn’t into getting her hooked on a bottle. I wasn’t trying to be perfect, I just felt so lucky to produce enough breast milk for my baby. I know so many mamas who have trouble producing enough.

And because of my Gall Bladder disease before the surgeries, I wasn’t always eating nutrient-dense foods. I ate very little and whatever didn’t set me off. Then I was on bland fat-free food after the surgeries. With IBS and food allergies I have been on any number of strange experimental diets to try to feel better- I’m sure all of it affecting my milk in various ways for years. I’ve nursed my child through Vicodin and Muscle relaxers, antihistamines, steroids, and more. I nursed her through stomach bug episodes where all I had in my body was Coca Cola.

What’s the point? The point is that I found out that a leader in the nutrition field who many families have come to know and trust has come out and said that you shouldn’t breastfeed if you don’t follow a very specific diet. You should make Weston Price’s own homemade formula recipe instead. 

WHAAAT?? The Weston A. Price Foundation WAPF of the famous Nourishing Traditions Cookbook thinks mamas who can’t/don’t  eat grass-fed beef (vegetarians?) and butt-loads coconut oil (I’ve tried, it makes me nauseous) shouldn’t bother breastfeeding. Weston Price believes that mothers who don’t have a “perfect” diet should feed Weston Price’s very own goat milk-based homemade formula recipe instead!

Some of my friends banded together to promote Breastfeeding today in response to this BS from Weston Price. Below are all of the pro mama milk articles written in protest….(see below)

But you know, what a nasty shame that the natural parenting community can now not stand behind this company offering a healthier formula product for families who need one because of the way they have chosen to throw moms and babies and breast-feeding under the bus in order to promote it!

I myself was exclusively breastfed. I bet most of my mom’s diet at the time was Coca Cola and frozen dinners. But I’ll tell you that corn syrup through a booby is still way better than corn syrup directly out of a formula can! And I love me some goat milk but that is for baby goats, but human milk is for human babies.

xo Love,

Moorea
On Thursday, bloggers from around the world came together in a show of support for breastfeeding mothers. New mothers have enough challenges without having to feel guilty for how they feed their baby, especially when they are choosing the most natural of means – breastfeeding.

Over the last few days there has been a lot of heated debates, controversial posts, and social media outcry against the position that the Weston A. Price Foundation takes on breastfeeding. While they do present sound information on the ideal diet for breastfeeding mothers, they do so in a manner that brings about guilt, fear, and confusion.

The bloggers who participated in the Breastfeeding Support Blog Party are not trying to create a divide between mothers. They simply want to offer support, in the form of blog posts, as to why breastfeeding should always be the first choice both for baby and mama.

We hope you take some time to read the posts that were written as part of the Blog Party. There are also over 140 posts linked up as part of this. Take some time to check them out here or link up your own breastfeeding support post!

Dionna at Code Name: Mama has come up with 40 ways that family, friends, coworkers and employers can support mothers who pump breastmilk, along with a ton of resources for you and the pumping mom in your life. There are also some fun graphics you can print and pass out, with 70% of all proceeds going to buy pumps for moms in domestic violence shelters!

Destany at They Are All of Me writes about ten common breastfeeding myths that scare women out of breastfeeding.

Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how her diet wasn’t WAPF perfect, but she still breastfed a perfectly healthy baby.

Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry is passionate about breastfeeding, here are her 101 reasons why!

Kelly at Becoming Crunchy discusses the question of whether you should still nurse – even if your diet isn’t ‘right’.

Jorje of Momma Jorje has enough pressure in her life, she is glad she doesn’t have to worry about what, when and how much food she feeds her son since he is also still nursing.

Angela at EarthMamas World discusses a few of the most common problems that a mama may encounter while breastfeeding. Angela also shares natural remedies for each of these breastfeeding problems!

That Mama Gretchen reflects on the beautiful bond breastfeeding has created as her two children have transitioned from their womb experience to their earth side one.

Julia at A Little Bit of All of It shares ways breastfeeding and breastmilk are unique and special in a way only they can be.

Amy W. at Natural Parents Network shares 5 scientific reasons that mother’s milk is an unequaled form of nutrition and nurture: so awesome, and so unique!

Laura at Authentic Parenting shares solid information on iron intake for the breastfed baby.

Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares the questions (and answers) about breastfeeding she wished she had a friend to answer for her before becoming a mama.

Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter choose to breastfeed her children in part because it’s easier than bottle feeding, not to mention that it is the best nutrition for babies, that it has health benefits for both mother and child, that it encourages bonding, and of course that it’s free! Basically breastmilk is the ultimate convenience food.

KerryAnn at Cooking Traditional Foods shares how the rush to recommend raw milk formula actually harms mothers.

Starlene at GAPS Diet Journey shares her experience with nursing and why she feels it is an important piece of the your baby’s health.

At Living Peacefully with Children, Mandy draws a connection between how formula companies market and how women are treated by society.

Amy at Anktangle outlines a few of the many ways breastfeeding benefits both mom and child—aside from providing excellent nutrition.

Adrienne at Whole New Mom shares Part One and Part Two of 100 Reasons Why Breast Is Best.

Dawn at Cultured Mama shares her personal breastfeeding journey and how she overcame low supply issues and successfully tandemed nursed with only one breast.

Very little parenting is effective without modeling the desired behavior. This is because our little ones are very visual, can’t read, are distracted and don’t always have full cognition of our words. Modeling  isn’t always easier than other parenting tools,  but it feels so much better than barking orders, shame or punishment. To a young child, there is no room for confusion or a communication breakdown when his parent’s body simply shows it like it is, rather than tells it like it is. Babies, toddlers and even preschooler identities are still so very much wrapped up in the identities of their parents. They really truly want to be like us and they do follow our lead if we lead by example.

I only call it “extreme modeling” because I have noticed that it is unusual. Modeling really isn’t a secret, but many people just don’t know how to do it, or they feel GOOFY doing it or they don’t do it repeatedly enough to have any effect.

Scenario A:  Modeling Sleep

All you want is for your 18 month-old to lay down in her crib and sleep for the night, but she seems scared, stays awake and cries. Your child knows that you may be doing something fun staying up without her, she can even see lights peeping in from the other room. She doesn’t want to be without you and you don’t want her to cry it out. So,with a mattress on the floor in her room instead of a crib (since you are too big to model sleep in a crib), you are able to lay with her until she falls asleep, quietly modeling that you are about to sleep. With the door to her room closed and the lights off in her room and in the rooms around her room and you can say “I am sleeping now because it is getting very dark outside and it is night night time, come cuddle with me.”

You remain with your head on the bed and relax and eventually your child will come to the bed and cuddle down. Keep doing this so that it becomes an expected behavior of you and then, an expected behavior of the child. My child occasionally has protested bedtime even when it happens this way, but the protest or the tears are short-lived when our kids are actually tired and we are offering presence.

Scenario B:  Modeling Potty

You started potty training at 2.5 years old and your child had one painful constipated bowel movement and now is afraid to poop. I always feel crazy when I say this, but it works and so I risk my own humiliation for you, dear reader. Model pooping for your child. From the beginning to the end; from “Oh, I feel a poop in my body, I better run to the potty.” all the way up until “This is what my poop face looks like, isn’t it silly? Do you hear my poop plop?” and even “Would you like to see my poop?” and/or “It felt a little stretchy coming out, but It feels so good now that it is all out!”  Your child can see and hear from you a positive sense or normalcy and actually see how things work without fear for another human.

Scenario C: Modeling Gentle

Your child is pulling the fur of a friend’s dog while you are in conversation with that friend. “Don’t! Don’t Don’t” It seems to be the go-to word in parenting, but it is a word that for babies and toddlers needs more information, context and re-direction. You can provide all of that info, context and re-direction by modeling what your child should be doing instead of using only “no” or  ”don’t”. The child, even at 10 months, needs to know why we don’t pull fur (It hurts! and doggies don’t’ like it.) A young child is only going to “get” gentle if we get down on his level and first show with our hand what gentle petting looks like and with narration “Look. I am petting the doggie gently with my hand flat like this. Oh, the doggie likes it! Can I help your hand try it now? Would you like to try petting gentle on your own now?”

Don’t forget that the best way to effect change and closeness through modeling is to model these things consistently. One time won’t do it, but consistent, fair, respectful modeling of behavior will make life with young children livable even if that means we have to hold ourselves to the same standards as our toddler.

Eating and table challenges? modeling. Sharing troubles? You guessed it!

email me at mooreamalatthicks@gmail.com

visit me: http://www.mamaladyparenting.com

http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/6-tips-managing-screen-time/

An  article came out recently explaining the reasons why the FDA and Pediatrics now believe that we should limit children’s consumption of dairy because it isn’t as healthy as once thought and can dramatically cut into a child’s iron stores.  My childhood instinct was that cow milk was disgusting and made me nauseous. I wouldn’t learn for a long time that I am lactose intolerant.  But the pediatricians and the entire culture in the 80′s told my parents that I had to drink milk for the fat and vitamins ( I was really small) and so they fed it to me in the morning for many childhood years the only way I would drink it- with coffee and sugar.

As a child I was often sick with quite a bit of stomach pain and diarrhea and a generally lowered immune system, allergies, sinus problems, iron anemia and a mysterious inability to process iron supplements. Nobody thought of dairy.

Then, my father’s onset of Type II diabetes was partially blamed on his constant consumption of two glasses of 2% milk per day through adulthood. Milk has an extremely high sugar content (lactose is milk sugar). When I became Vegan as a teenager, I was free from the ill effects of dairy. I am no longer vegan and have learned that I can consume small amounts of sheep or goat products without harm.

What do we know about Cow’s Milk? 

- There are some very serious risks of feeding cow dairy to infants. Iowa Study.    and  Summary with List of Articles.   and Dr. Hyman on Milk. 

- Adults and child consumption of dairy has risks including osteoporosis (yes, we think calcium but cow milk actually depletes the bones), lactose intolerance and IBS, colon issues, heart disease, fractures, and even prostate cancer.

-The best thing cow milk can actually contribute to the human diet is not vitamin D or Calcium but a varied diet including green vegetables or natural supplements can give much better dosages of those in more easily digestible forms. The reason pediatricians give for feeding babies and children cow dairy above other options is that it is the least expensive and most easily acquired form of fat, protein and Vitamin D.

-The best nutrient in cow milk for humans is fat – and yet most of the fat is taken out of so many forms of milk these days (and Doctors advise that children after 2 not have whole milk because of the risk of childhood obesity.)

- Proteins and lactose in sheep or goat milk is more easily digested than cow milk (because they are meant for a smaller animal) and sheep and goat milk have a higher concentration of vitamins and minerals. What about other mammals? http://news.yahoo.com/why-dont-drink-milk-animals-other-cows-145603761.html

-Of course, one of the main reasons to get our country off of the cow teat is that our obsession with cow milk has been for so long undermining the importance of HUMAN MILK.  

It is customary to give a child whole cow’s milk as early as 9 months and some consider it a near sin to not have introduced it by 1 year. Babies are customarily fed dairy formula instead of human milk and mothers who have challenges with breastfeeding go to this cow alternative before getting help from breastfeeding professional or doctor and before attempting to procure donated human milk.  Cow formula increases the rates of stomach issues, obesity, diabetes and constipation and deprives the baby of unique proteins, enzymes, carbohydrates, vitamins (including easily absorbed iron), minerals, immune boosters, digestive enzymes and beneficial hormones. Using cow formula doubles the infant death rate.  Lack of feeding our children HUMAN MILK is a PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS that costs the U.S. 13 billion dollars in related health care costs.

This sort of reliance on formula and ignorance about the benefits of breastfeeding just would not exist without the formula and dairy industries and lobby and it just wouldn’t be possible if we weren’t so stuck on the cow teat.

But what if your family is in love with milk, nobody shows signs of lactose intolerance? People from certain backgrounds are more able to digest cow dairy. Would this sort of family/child be hurt by consuming cow’s milk? No, of course not. As long as you watch the amounts (sugars and fat) and as long as you can make sure your milk comes from hormone-free, antibiotic-free, organic, grass-fed cows. In most places, however, it can actually be easier to find these healthy qualities in your local sheep or goat milk because it all happens at a smaller farm.

More alternatives to cow milk? Find the “unsweetened” versions of coconut milk, almond milk, hazelnut milk, sunflower milk- all filled with healthier fats, vitamins and nutrients than cow’s milk. And then there is my favorite one whose healthy properties trump the rest- Hemp Milk. 

Iris going to town in the dining room.

I have made it quite clear (no pun intended) that window markers are only for windows, and therefore the art stays safely on a surface that is extremely easy to clean. Before we got the easel, this was her first upright art activity. She gets to experience a really smooth slippery surface without holding down any paper, without having to push hard and some of her best drawing and writing has been on the windows. She can draw in every room of the house and it takes me only a few minutes to wipe it off.

This is a “Chameleon getting a bug” and some random letters.

My tips for clean-up are first to take a picture of your child’s artwork, then spray a vinegar and water solution, wipe with newspaper or paper towel, removing as much you can. Go back in once more with elbow grease and a dry cloth in a side-to-side or up and down motion (circular is less effective) to prevent any residue. Don’t let the drawing sit for more than a couple of days or it will take a whole lot more elbow-grease to get off any residue.

Unfortunately there isn’t an organic version of window markers, so Amazon will have to do! (You are less likely to find these stocked in stores.)

http://www.amazon.com/Crayola-Count-Washable-Window-Markers/dp/B001FQKPSU

Why help your child give up a pacifier as soon as possible? Sucking is totally natural. It just feels good to suck! And for parents of a cranky baby, simply a Godsend! But, sucking for comfort (NNS- non-nutritive-sucking) becomes a problem as we transition our of babyhood and into toddlerdom.  Pacifier use can inhibit vocal expression, communication and language skills. It can cause dental problems (cross bite and palate issues), is documented to increase the incidence of middle ear infections and can hinder the emergency of adult teeth.  Pacifier use could even stunt emotional development, especially in boys. *Findings from studies appear at the bottom of this page.

As a nanny, there were three families that I helped make the binky be gone- I learned by trial and error and I hope this article will help many families. I tend to go for gentle and gradual methods when attempting to change behaviors and habits in young children. But for certain topics, or for certain children, this can be confusing if you go a bit too slowly. Why? Because the when rules are always changing – that can feel unsafe and unstable.

There seems to be two schools of thought out there on pacifier cessation: cold turkey or gradual extinction (constantly changing when and how frequently the child can have it.) I prefer to aim for this middle way:

Binky Be Gone: A Plan:

1) First, Set One New Boundary around when a pacifier can be had: At nap and bedtime, or just one of those? Only at preschool or daycare because she is newly transitioning into a new situation? Stick with that for a while until the new way becomes comfortable. Decrease usage by way of setting a timeframe boundary and also tell the toddler that he is growing up and will need the pacifier less and less and then one day he won’t need it at all.

2) Plan a Place for the  Pacifiers to Go. Talk it up for 1-2 weeks. Will they go to a new baby you know? They are collecting them at the doctor or naturopath or dentist when I don’t suggest planting it in the ground with some seeds as some websites suggest. We want the pacifiers far away from home and now there the child could stand over it and cry!  If your child is 3 or older, you can let your child choose from two good options for where the pacifiers will go. If your child refuses, you get to choose. Ask people nicely to play along

3) Plan Replacement Therapy. This is not bribery. Like any physical habit/addiction, it is much more humane and comfortable to replace the unhealthy habit with a lesser evil as opposed to having nothing to turn to. But stuffed animals aren’t evil. Let your child choose a new one- fully informing them that they will have the new stuffy INSTEAD OF the pacifier tonight.  I also know plenty of kids who like to sleep with a hard dinosaur guy- whatever they want! This won’t always work for every child on the first night. Occasionally a child will decide she hates the stuffy when you redirect from wanting a paci to holding the stuffy. Comfort you child and try again the next night.

4) Add Positive Peer Pressure. I’m a big fan of this for learning to eat new foods, being willing to sit on the potty, etc. Children do really well learning from children their age or older. It simply points out that there is a new and different way to be, something to grow into. This is much more effective than a doctor and a parent simply forcing their will explaining in heady adult terms why the paci must go.  Resist using this method with children who are younger and not using a pacifier, as the words we choose in that situation can be shaming without our meaning them to. Quick- find a play group or preschool with children who are older or who do not use pacifiers.

5) Comforts in Place, Expect Two or Three Hard Nights. Now that you have a plan for how the binky will go, make sure that you write down a list of your child’s best comforts. How do you comfort your child when they are cranky and sick? Remember those thing and write them down so that you can turn to them in a moment of desperation.  To remove a Pacifier for sleeping, expect the first nights to be really hard.

Expect crying and expect to have to physically comfort your child in extra ways for at least the first night. Expect the bedtime routine to be very long and so start earlier than usual with bath and books. If your child attends daycare or preschool, you also will want to begin this on a weekend so any sleep interference doesn’t mess with your child at a time when you can’t be around for comforting. You can cuddle in bed or use a rocking chair for the first night or two with stuffed animals, a sippy cup of water.  You could plan the first binky-less night to be one where you have had tons of family fun and activity that afternoon and also a nice calm down period before bed. That combination should help sleep come faster even when there is much crankiness or crying.

If your child typically wakes at night to find the pacifier, you will have to attend to your child when they wake, reminding the sleepy sweetie about the new plan, where the pacifiers went and re-directing to another form of comfort, “Here, have a sip of water. Hold your little bear, cuddle up to me.” Resist adding new behaviors in the middle of the night like getting up for food or to read another book.

***Children who have learned to suck to sleep have not learned how to what I call “Work themselves down” to sleep. This comes with any major change in sleep association. It will be an entirely new process for the child to learn how to calm her body and mind without a pacifier. We all must learn this eventually- as adults, we toss, turn, complain, have some more water, our mind races, we process the day, we pee again. Expect that it could take 30min-2hrs for the first few nights. If your child is content in the bed alone, that is fine even if it takes a long time to nod off. If your child is upset, please be with him in the dark but model sleep so that you aren’t keeping the child awake.***

If your child only needs non-nutritive sucking when they are supremely ill or supremely tired, if the time with the pacifier is ten minute for less per day, and the pacifier is not being used as a means to fall asleep at night- then you don’t have a problem that needs to be fixed. Minimal NNS like this will simply be gone one day on its own.

The World Health Organization reported a positive correlation between pacifier use and increased incidence of otitis media (ear infections).  The impact of otitis media on speech and language development is well documented (Niemela, Pihakari, Pokka, Uhari, & Uhari, 2000).

-Boshart (2001) suggested that dental problems associated with prolonged pacifier sucking could lead to speech articulation problems such as distortion of the fricative and alveolar phonemes.

-A recent study of dental malocclusions from approximately 15,000 children from one orthodontic clinic concluded that a sucking habit resulted in 60% of the dental malocclusions that were seen in those patients (Van Norman, 2001).

-The American Dental Association (2003) reported that pacifier use in 3- to 5-year-old children led to anterior open bite, posterior crossbite, mean overjet, and smaller intercanine distance of the upper arch.

*note* The pacifier in the photo pictured is the best kind to use with babies- over time it loses shape, squishes and takes on strange flavors, making it less appealing later on. Everyone I know who used this one gave the pacifier up early. This photo is of my little friend Sylvie pretending with the paci from her babyhood. Best to never start with a binky, but for parents of very fussy babies..here it it: http://www.zoeborganic.com/natursutten-pacifier/natursutten-orthodontic-new-packaging.html

Please find me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MamaLadyParenting

Email Moorea at mooreamalatthicks@gmail.com to receive my newsletter, of if you would like help with a parenting challenge.

Drawing of Mama. I.H. 2.5yrs.

Be Informational, Specific and Clear. (Avoid “Later” and “Soon”) Our young children understand more than they speak and more than we usually give them credit for.  Even if our child may not understand our words or concepts, they will over time and they deserve the respect of a clear explanation and a real timeframe projection, especially when you have to say No.  They don’t read clocks, but if you are consistent, they begin to learn what five minutes/ after dinner feels like, and they begin to learn patience.

Reframe to the Positive. (Avoid “Don’t”). There are many ways to stop a behavior or say no without constantly saying “No” or “Don’t.”  Some creative frames for this are If/Then, When/Then. “When we put your toys away, then we can go for a walk outside.” A positive with a qualifier also works wonders,  “After you have eaten some bites of lunch, then you will have a cookie.” Taking the time to give more information about why we are or aren’t doing something right now can also help.

Use “We” language. (Avoid using child’s name, pointing a finger and authoritarianism).  At school or at home, we are a community and a culture. Use “We” to help the child understand what behavior is expected within the culture and to let him know that you hold yourself and everyone else to the same standards. Therefore, no child feels singled out as “bad” or “wrong”.

Use “I “ Language.  In a one-on-one setting- if there is something you cannot allow your child do, and where explanation isn’t enough, simply take responsibility for how you feel about it. “I don’t like it when you climb that high. It makes me worried and I would be sad if you fell and got hurt. Do you like it when you get a boo-boo?.”  We are interconnected beings and occasionally we can be asked to see things from a loved one’s perspective.

Be in the Child’s Reality. (Avoid Should/Shouldn’t and You Can’t). Shouldn’t is a very hard to understand concept for a toddler. Our shouldn’t and can’t clashes with a toddler’s concept of what is possible, with what the child desires and with what the child is experiencing to be true. Use explanation, information and re-direction instead, and be as clear as possible about the sort of behavior you expect instead.

Give Only Two Options.   In a challenging moment, three options are often way too much for a toddler (I tend to say wait until 3 years or more for 3 choices). It is our job as parent, teacher or caregiver to provide a healthy set of boundaries so that our children feel secure and we can do this by providing two choices. We hope to provide two acceptable options for the child, so refrain from asking a yes/no question, if a No answer is unacceptable.

Say,  “You are learning!”  (Avoiding  “Good Job” is really hard but it means nothing after a while and doesn’t help with true self-esteem or sense of accomplishment.) Try to pepper your speech instead with questions about how it feels to be accomplished “Did if feel good to do it yourself?” or “You tried so hard and then you got it!”

Ask Questions and Lead by Example. (Avoid correcting efforts). It can be especially difficult for teachers who have created precious curriculum to do this.  It is almost impossible for a toddler to get something “wrong”. They are simply exploring the ends of the earth and must test every boundary in order to come to understanding.  You know how things work and what is expected, but you could occasionally pretend you don’t and watch the child figure it out.  Magic.

Elaborate and Expand.  Your toddler/preschooler may be content with a simple answer to his question, but we respect a love of learning and a growing cognitive ability when we offer up more information, more explanation and ask the child further questions on the topic. “What is this thing?” can become a very long and enriching lesson.

Talk to the Child, About the Child.  When wanting to tell another adult in the room about one child, we strive to do this through speaking to the child, on the child’s level, about behavior or accomplishments- and allowing the other adult to listen in. This way there is no telling-on the child, no blaming the parent and we let the child know that he will be responsible for his own behaviors and can take pride in his own accomplishments! We preschool teachers struggle to do this as much as possible but are imperfect, as parents will also be imperfect with this entire list! But isn’t it nice to have some healthy guidelines anyway!?

Moorea Malatt, All Rights Reserved.

Moorea is a Parent Coach on Potty, Sleep, Gentle Discipline and more, and the Director of Genius: A Baby Academy in Seattle.