No Mama is Perfect, but Breast Milk Is!

No Mama is Perfect,  but Breast Milk Is!

Here’s my confession: When I was breastfeeding my 3 month old and needed to have two Surgeries for Gall Bladder Disease, I didn’t Pump and Dump- against Dr’s wishes. I let all of that medication (anesthesia, Percoset for days and whatever they pumped into my IV) flow into my baby’s body with my milk. I did so knowing that most meds get into breastmilk minimally if at all, and that the studies of the effects of which are few. I decided I felt that even “tainted” Breast Milk was better than ANY formula option. I got almost nothing with a breast pump and I wasn’t into getting her hooked on a bottle. I wasn’t trying to be perfect, I just felt so lucky to produce enough breast milk for my baby. I know so many mamas who have trouble producing enough.

And because of my Gall Bladder disease before the surgeries, I wasn’t always eating nutrient-dense foods. I ate very little and whatever didn’t set me off. Then I was on bland fat-free food after the surgeries. With IBS and food allergies I have been on any number of strange experimental diets to try to feel better- I’m sure all of it affecting my milk in various ways for years. I’ve nursed my child through Vicodin and Muscle relaxers, antihistamines, steroids, and more. I nursed her through stomach bug episodes where all I had in my body was Coca Cola.

What’s the point? The point is that I found out that a leader in the nutrition field who many families have come to know and trust has come out and said that you shouldn’t breastfeed if you don’t follow a very specific diet. You should make Weston Price’s own homemade formula recipe instead. 

WHAAAT?? The Weston A. Price Foundation WAPF of the famous Nourishing Traditions Cookbook thinks mamas who can’t/don’t  eat grass-fed beef (vegetarians?) and butt-loads coconut oil (I’ve tried, it makes me nauseous) shouldn’t bother breastfeeding. Weston Price believes that mothers who don’t have a “perfect” diet should feed Weston Price’s very own goat milk-based homemade formula recipe instead!

Some of my friends banded together to promote Breastfeeding today in response to this BS from Weston Price. Below are all of the pro mama milk articles written in protest….(see below)

But you know, what a nasty shame that the natural parenting community can now not stand behind this company offering a healthier formula product for families who need one because of the way they have chosen to throw moms and babies and breast-feeding under the bus in order to promote it!

I myself was exclusively breastfed. I bet most of my mom’s diet at the time was Coca Cola and frozen dinners. But I’ll tell you that corn syrup through a booby is still way better than corn syrup directly out of a formula can! And I love me some goat milk but that is for baby goats, but human milk is for human babies.

xo Love,

Moorea
On Thursday, bloggers from around the world came together in a show of support for breastfeeding mothers. New mothers have enough challenges without having to feel guilty for how they feed their baby, especially when they are choosing the most natural of means – breastfeeding.

Over the last few days there has been a lot of heated debates, controversial posts, and social media outcry against the position that the Weston A. Price Foundation takes on breastfeeding. While they do present sound information on the ideal diet for breastfeeding mothers, they do so in a manner that brings about guilt, fear, and confusion.

The bloggers who participated in the Breastfeeding Support Blog Party are not trying to create a divide between mothers. They simply want to offer support, in the form of blog posts, as to why breastfeeding should always be the first choice both for baby and mama.

We hope you take some time to read the posts that were written as part of the Blog Party. There are also over 140 posts linked up as part of this. Take some time to check them out here or link up your own breastfeeding support post!

Dionna at Code Name: Mama has come up with 40 ways that family, friends, coworkers and employers can support mothers who pump breastmilk, along with a ton of resources for you and the pumping mom in your life. There are also some fun graphics you can print and pass out, with 70% of all proceeds going to buy pumps for moms in domestic violence shelters!

Destany at They Are All of Me writes about ten common breastfeeding myths that scare women out of breastfeeding.

Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how her diet wasn’t WAPF perfect, but she still breastfed a perfectly healthy baby.

Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry is passionate about breastfeeding, here are her 101 reasons why!

Kelly at Becoming Crunchy discusses the question of whether you should still nurse – even if your diet isn’t ‘right’.

Jorje of Momma Jorje has enough pressure in her life, she is glad she doesn’t have to worry about what, when and how much food she feeds her son since he is also still nursing.

Angela at EarthMamas World discusses a few of the most common problems that a mama may encounter while breastfeeding. Angela also shares natural remedies for each of these breastfeeding problems!

That Mama Gretchen reflects on the beautiful bond breastfeeding has created as her two children have transitioned from their womb experience to their earth side one.

Julia at A Little Bit of All of It shares ways breastfeeding and breastmilk are unique and special in a way only they can be.

Amy W. at Natural Parents Network shares 5 scientific reasons that mother’s milk is an unequaled form of nutrition and nurture: so awesome, and so unique!

Laura at Authentic Parenting shares solid information on iron intake for the breastfed baby.

Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares the questions (and answers) about breastfeeding she wished she had a friend to answer for her before becoming a mama.

Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter choose to breastfeed her children in part because it’s easier than bottle feeding, not to mention that it is the best nutrition for babies, that it has health benefits for both mother and child, that it encourages bonding, and of course that it’s free! Basically breastmilk is the ultimate convenience food.

KerryAnn at Cooking Traditional Foods shares how the rush to recommend raw milk formula actually harms mothers.

Starlene at GAPS Diet Journey shares her experience with nursing and why she feels it is an important piece of the your baby’s health.

At Living Peacefully with Children, Mandy draws a connection between how formula companies market and how women are treated by society.

Amy at Anktangle outlines a few of the many ways breastfeeding benefits both mom and child—aside from providing excellent nutrition.

Adrienne at Whole New Mom shares Part One and Part Two of 100 Reasons Why Breast Is Best.

Dawn at Cultured Mama shares her personal breastfeeding journey and how she overcame low supply issues and successfully tandemed nursed with only one breast.

Getting off the Cow Teat in U.S.A.

An  article came out recently explaining the reasons why the FDA and Pediatrics now believe that we should limit children’s consumption of dairy because it isn’t as healthy as once thought and can dramatically cut into a child’s iron stores.  My childhood instinct was that cow milk was disgusting and made me nauseous. I wouldn’t learn for a long time that I am lactose intolerant.  But the pediatricians and the entire culture in the 80′s told my parents that I had to drink milk for the fat and vitamins ( I was really small) and so they fed it to me in the morning for many childhood years the only way I would drink it- with coffee and sugar.

As a child I was often sick with quite a bit of stomach pain and diarrhea and a generally lowered immune system, allergies, sinus problems, iron anemia and a mysterious inability to process iron supplements. Nobody thought of dairy.

Then, my father’s onset of Type II diabetes was partially blamed on his constant consumption of two glasses of 2% milk per day through adulthood. Milk has an extremely high sugar content (lactose is milk sugar). When I became Vegan as a teenager, I was free from the ill effects of dairy. I am no longer vegan and have learned that I can consume small amounts of sheep or goat products without harm.

What do we know about Cow’s Milk? 

- There are some very serious risks of feeding cow dairy to infants. Iowa Study.    and  Summary with List of Articles.   and Dr. Hyman on Milk. 

- Adults and child consumption of dairy has risks including osteoporosis (yes, we think calcium but cow milk actually depletes the bones), lactose intolerance and IBS, colon issues, heart disease, fractures, and even prostate cancer.

-The best thing cow milk can actually contribute to the human diet is not vitamin D or Calcium but a varied diet including green vegetables or natural supplements can give much better dosages of those in more easily digestible forms. The reason pediatricians give for feeding babies and children cow dairy above other options is that it is the least expensive and most easily acquired form of fat, protein and Vitamin D.

-The best nutrient in cow milk for humans is fat – and yet most of the fat is taken out of so many forms of milk these days (and Doctors advise that children after 2 not have whole milk because of the risk of childhood obesity.)

- Proteins and lactose in sheep or goat milk is more easily digested than cow milk (because they are meant for a smaller animal) and sheep and goat milk have a higher concentration of vitamins and minerals. What about other mammals? http://news.yahoo.com/why-dont-drink-milk-animals-other-cows-145603761.html

-Of course, one of the main reasons to get our country off of the cow teat is that our obsession with cow milk has been for so long undermining the importance of HUMAN MILK.  

It is customary to give a child whole cow’s milk as early as 9 months and some consider it a near sin to not have introduced it by 1 year. Babies are customarily fed dairy formula instead of human milk and mothers who have challenges with breastfeeding go to this cow alternative before getting help from breastfeeding professional or doctor and before attempting to procure donated human milk.  Cow formula increases the rates of stomach issues, obesity, diabetes and constipation and deprives the baby of unique proteins, enzymes, carbohydrates, vitamins (including easily absorbed iron), minerals, immune boosters, digestive enzymes and beneficial hormones. Using cow formula doubles the infant death rate.  Lack of feeding our children HUMAN MILK is a PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS that costs the U.S. 13 billion dollars in related health care costs.

This sort of reliance on formula and ignorance about the benefits of breastfeeding just would not exist without the formula and dairy industries and lobby and it just wouldn’t be possible if we weren’t so stuck on the cow teat.

But what if your family is in love with milk, nobody shows signs of lactose intolerance? People from certain backgrounds are more able to digest cow dairy. Would this sort of family/child be hurt by consuming cow’s milk? No, of course not. As long as you watch the amounts (sugars and fat) and as long as you can make sure your milk comes from hormone-free, antibiotic-free, organic, grass-fed cows. In most places, however, it can actually be easier to find these healthy qualities in your local sheep or goat milk because it all happens at a smaller farm.

More alternatives to cow milk? Find the “unsweetened” versions of coconut milk, almond milk, hazelnut milk, sunflower milk- all filled with healthier fats, vitamins and nutrients than cow’s milk. And then there is my favorite one whose healthy properties trump the rest- Hemp Milk. 

Our Babies, Our Gurus

I admit it. I totally have a Guru (well, other than my child guru). Her name is Byron Katie and her message is all about radical acceptance. With regard to some of my daunting health challenges, one of her messages recently hit home and right in the gut:

“How do you live when you believe that your health problems shouldn’t be there? You can’t even tell us the truth. You can’t even cough or blow your nose honestly, or let us know you’re not feeling well. Who would you be without the story “I should feel better”? You’d be free.”- Byron Katie

But I remember when sleep was turmoil at my house and I asked myself the question:

“How do you live when you believe that your child should not wake up often at night.”

On all of the moms pages and blogs out there, I have been hearing moms come out about how often their little ones are waking up. For instance, you can “like” Evolutionary Parenting on Facebook and find this link with moms chiming in on how many times their young toddlers still wake up to nurse. Nursing and especially co-sleeping babies sleep less deeply. Period.

We can choose that there is something inherently wrong with our particular child, or we can choose to think there is something inherently wrong with human design thus far (I remember repeating to myself that my daughter’s sleep problems were “biologically mal-adaptive” because everyone needs sleep!)   Or, you can choose to see your child as perfect even though you are dead tired.

Byron Katie’s 4 Questions get me back in touch with reality so that I can stop fighting it and start being grateful:

 Is it true?

 Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

 How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

 Who would you be without the thought?

Then, turn the words around. (Mine was: firstly, My child doesn’t constantly wake up. It could be more frequent. Another was “I (not my child) constantly wake up.” And that was more true because I could have slept through many stirrings if I hadn’t already been a light sleeper to begin with. I could also change “my child is a bad sleeper” to “my child is a good sleeper” and actually believe that because she seemed to be getting enough sleep for herself. 

We went through awful medical tests until I got a diagnosis of a sleep disorder, but there was nothing doctors would to help and I had to wait it out. If I had been able to see my daughter as normal, I wouldn’t have put her through tests. If I had been able to see my daughter as normal, I would have started earlier on the gentle sleep learning methods which eventually  helped us and which I now teach other parents. But I didn’t begin to use my brains and intuition to teach her how to sleep better because I was so caught up in believing there was something wrong with her that had to be found out.

There is nothing wrong with saying “My child wakes constantly at night to nurse and that’s normal. AND I am losing my mind and I need to try to teach her how to sleep better with a little less help from me, gradually and where I am still present to her.”

There’s also nothing wrong with saying, “My child wakes constantly but it is normal and so I’m going to tough it out and pray things get a lot better around 2years.”   Doing something to change the way things are and doing nothing should both start with getting educated about what is natural and what is possible and then, as Byron Katie says in the title of a book, LOVING WHAT IS.

I hate to say it, but I would have truly loved my child even more if I had accepted the stopped thinking that she shouldn’t wake up. That was less than two years ago but in that amount of time, there is so much more information discussed about the evolutionary biology of infant sleep and so many more parents admitting it is happening to them. My friend’s two month breastfed, co-sleeping baby sleeps through the night. Bless them, but that is very unusual.

Accept that child exactly as he is. Accept that parenting almost always means sleep deprivation. (Or resolve to accept whatever is challenging about your child (my friend just had this breakthrough about her high-energy toddler). Give in. Give yourself over to your child. Find lots of other parents online and join groups around you to talk about how little sleep you are getting. Spend some days wallowing in it without using your mind to try to fix it.

Develop a phrase you can believe in when people ask you if your child sleeps through the night  Like, “It really drives me crazy but it is just her normal so I’m going with it until it gets better” or “It seems to be totally normal for her, but I would like to get some more sleep and so we are working on teaching her some new things about sleep.”  Maintain a sense of humor. Cuss into your pillow. But don’t wish it different.

If you are breastfeeding and co-sleeping, accept that breastfeeding and co-sleeping might mean you might get less sleep than some other parents, and own your choice to do it anyway. Accept attending to a woken child is a gift you give to the child- you literally give away your sleep. You can even tell people “I am willingly giving away my sleep for a while in order to protect our attachment for her emotional health. That’s why we don’t do Cry It Out.”

What I want parents to do is “Like” the Facebook page, “the Work of Byron Katie”  Because the words of wisdom on that page will change your life. If they change your life, read her books and start doing her simple 4 steps on all of your life’s challenges. More from Katie on parenting:

“Here’s how a child listens: you tell him something, and he puts his own interpretation on what you said. That’s what he hears. No one has ever heard you.” – Byron Katie

“You can’t have your daughter as long as you have a concept of her. When you get rid of the concept, you meet your daughter for the first time. That’s the way this works.” -Byron Katie

And if you are thinking about sleep, I’ll give you another tidbit from Katie:

“Sleep just gives the ego a little time out. It has to stay strong in order to be something that it isn’t. “

Lets just say lack of sleep in the first 18 months definitely broke down my ego, and more.  Mostly because I came closer to a spiritual understanding that I cannot control everything. She was my baby and I was skilled with babies but it seemed that nothing I did could make her stop waking up. My experience  is that motherhood’s sleep deprivation broke me. My daughter is also my Guru. Sometimes I call her my Other God. How grateful I am, because I learned that I could do anything and survive anything.

Do you have a Guru? Have the teachings helped you with parenting?  If not, how has your child been your Guru?

Yahoo’s New CEO: She’s No Role Model for Women

Marissa Mayer  is not a role model for Working Motherhood. Her stance that she will only take a few weeks of leave (or rather, won’t take one at all, but will work at home through her leave)  does a disservice to all working women when we do not have any mandatory paid maternity leave in the US- especially when inadequate maternity leave directly effects the health of mother and baby.

Yeah, there’s a 20 percent dip in infant mortality with an extra 10 weeks of leave and a 40 week leave saved the most lives in a study- likely because mothers were able to successfully complete 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding and breastfeeding with solids for a longer period than that. Other studies found lengthened leave tied to lower school drop-out rates and a higher IQ while mother’s rate of postpartum depression decreased with each extra week of leave. Adequate maternity leave is important!

A slap in the face to the working and lower-class women who have ever fought for paid maternity leave, Marisa’s choice almost seems like an upper-class privilege to turn away paid maternity leave.  And it is. Flexibility to have her partner stay home if he wants, or to have a nanny- and her ability to set her own hours, and a private office for pumping are unique features of the someone in her position. Proving that you really can’t have it all- Meyer shows that breaking down the glass ceiling means you might not be able to enjoy the maternity leave so many women fought for.

The Family and Medical Leave Act enacted in 1993 finally gave women just 12 weeks of UN-paid, job-protected medical leave. Despite the relatively new law, all we see is a trend of  women taking less and less of the maternity leave that is allotted for them.  I cannot help but wonder if this number is directly correlated to the rise of women into higher-paying, higher-profile jobs.

And we all know that she doesn’t know what she is getting into anyway. 13% of women suffer from postpartum depression. It takes 6-12 weeks to recover from a c-section. It might be a year or more before she gets any sleep (but she can afford a night nanny).  For so many reasons, only about 25% of women return to work full time after childbirth before children are school-aged (many go to part time or switch jobs, work from home or start a business). But women who make more money are more likely to go back to work.  The lure of a high-paying, high-profile career  is more likely to compete with the urge to stay home with that baby.

With the price of daycare, many working and middle-class two-parent families tighten the purse strings and choose stay-at-home parenthood until children are school-aged. Although more than 70 percent of moms with kids younger than 18 participate in the labor force, the number drops to 63.9 percent for moms with kids younger than 6, and just 56.5 percent for moms with infants, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS).

Again it is precisely the people who can financially afford to take maternity leave (Ms. Mayer’s job will not be in jeopardy because if she takes more legal maternity leave, simply because of how high-profile she is)- who don’t. White, educated, gainfully employed women choose to take less maternity leave than anyone else in the last census report on the topic, even though for many of these women, maternity leave available is longer and is paid.

Let’s break it down again. Most women must have and must take (and deserve paid) maternity leave because: it is healthier for mom and baby physically and psychologically, they can’t afford for their partner to say home, they can’t afford a night nanny, they need to properly establish a breastfeeding relationship.

But I’ll add one more thing. THE BRAIN JUST DOESN’T WORK WELL, POSTPARTUM! It is operating in a primal state and you will be at your absolute worst at work. I tried to get back into life coaching after a week out and I was a total space case. Maybe after reading this my clients will call me for a refund. And then there is the mommy guilt. I don’t know a single working mom who doesn’t have that. My own sometimes feels debilitating even though I currently set my own hours.

I really wish that women with high-powered, highly visible careers would take all of the unpaid (and especially paid!) maternity leave available- in order to set a national example and precedence. These are hard-won WOMEN’S RIGHTS~!  But I wouldn’t want to force any individual to do anything. The point of having a rights is that you get to make choices. It just seems to me this is one of those rare opportunities where women can use privilege as a way to make life better for everyone.

I think Ms. Mayer is saying one of two things. “Hey, when you have a high powered career, you can’t afford to take Maternity Leave.”  Or, “I love work so much, I can’t wait to get back to my job.”  I truly hope for her sake that the second sentiment is true because I can really respect that. I have a good friend who is going to probably go back to work soon after having twins.That is because she loves her job (and she owns the company and when you own a small business, the rules are very different) and I can relate.

But I can also say that all of my  35-40 year-old friends with “real jobs” took lots and lots of maternity leave or quit their jobs post-baby.  I couldn’t find any statistics on it, but I can tell you that 80 percent of the women I know changed their original work plans after meeting that baby.

So I really just feel sorry for Ms. Mayer. She told the entire world and her company that she wouldn’t be taking any real maternity leave, before she had any idea what she would feel like postpartum. That’s quite a pickle to be in when your brain’s turned to goo and you realize you just love wiping up that little baby’s poo.

Today Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day: No More Babies for Me

This is the hardest post I’ve ever had to write. And I am crying through it. And I might not get out of bed today.

I was kidding myself for the last few months when my wife and I were contemplating having a second child. I wrote out a pro/con list that I almost posted here but then it came down the question of how you properly weigh “Get to try again for my ideal birth” on one side of the chart and “Terror, Liver Failure, Possible Death”  on the other? The “No” side of having a baby was longer but things seemed to have different weights. How can you measure the joy of birthing a soul? How do I measure my own life?

I was extremely sick for 18 weeks with Hyperemesis Gravidarum: extreme morning sickness (and the rest of the pregnancy was filled with gallbladder disease, aggravated by the HG.)  Am I ready to willingly, willingly do it again and even risk death? I mean, for straight religious women who do not believe in birth control, it doesn’t feel like choice. But we have to plan and chart and buy really expensive sperm.

During my pregnancy and afterward, we said no more babies, but I think that is what many new parents say. Now our little girl is grown up and I would really love to nurse just one more and we would love to give Iris a sibling- but a pregnancy would actually just be RECKLESS for me, as far as I can see.

So a few days ago I decided that I won’t be having another baby. I wasn’t going to think about this at all for a few years but then I was told I need a surgery for a birth injury that would need to happen after birthing and breastfeeding is done for good.  The world’s first Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness day was looming and I couldn’t any longer ignore my reality and cover it with dreams of home births and baby names. I also realized that I have PTSD from my pregnancy (and I made an appointment with an appropriate therapist- one who deals with grief and parenthood). I feel relieved to have finally made the decision and so, so sad that I feel possibilities or souls have been taken away from me because of a disease.

First Days of Sickness

The worst part of it is that I have never been allowed to feel my grief. Everyone has said that my partner can just have the next baby (she’s older than me and doesn’t want to), or that we can adopt. That would be what they tell someone who has had a long process of infertility. Sure, there may be other options, but talking about them right away   ignores the mother’s process and tries to hide her grief. How about someone just says something like “I’m really sad for you?” I’d like that.

Sure, we could try again to get pregnant. But if we inseminated again, I would the terrified and shaking during the insemination. While waiting to find out if we were pregnant, I would be terrified and shaking. Part of me would be hoping for a baby and the other part of me would be praying I wasn’t pregnant. After finding out we were pregnant I would be waiting anxiously for which minute would start the process. First low blood sugar and fainting, then the throwing up and I would be unable to get out of bed most days (or take care of my first child). Then the hyper-salivation would start and I’d be unable to leave the house without towels. I would lose many pounds. I wouldn’t allow myself to bond with my baby because I was so terrified I would lose her. The enamel on my teeth would further erode, I would see blood in my vomit when my esophagus tore.

HG ruins marriages because of stress, ruins families financially, takes women away from older children, causes long term health consequences and emotional trauma. For me the main emotional trauma was nobody taking my condition seriously until it was almost too late. People thinking I was overly dramatic and wussy, people thinking I was making myself throw up. I withdrew from friends because nobody understood and because I was so disgusting. I was depressed and when people wanted to help, I literally had no idea what to tell them to do. The only thing that made me feel better was to be on an IV and my medical team wouldn’t give me IV for my home. I prayed to get through each day without allowing myself to ask to go to the hospital again.

Sure, I could go for it anyway like all of the many women with HG who try to forget enough to get pregnant and then pray it is better the next time. Maybe the medical professionals and midwives would take me seriously this time before I damage my liver again. At least I would know more about the medications, at least I would know to get IV hydration immediately. Still, the chance for having HG again is 85% and there is a possibility that it will be much worse subsequent times.

Moms die. So many desperately wanted babies are aborted to save the mother’s life. I was reminded by two docs that this was an option for me. This was my first baby but I understand why moms may choose this especially to be around for older children!  Many, many babies just die due to complications of HG. The names of the babies and moms lost are on the HerFoundation page today. A similar message from a few mothers to the babies: “I wish I was strong enough.”  No mother should be made to feel like her baby died because she wasn’t “strong enough”.

We Are All Mother Enough

We Are All Strong Enough

Please spread the word about HG by posting this link on your blog, Facebook or Twitter:

http://www.helpher.org/

The study being gone at USC is extremely important and has already yielded important results which will all eventually help treat and find cure for HG.

If you are a mom of two normal and healthy pregnancies, you are needed badly as a control! Email Marlena at : nvpstudy@usc.edu

Please consider donating here: http://www.helpher.org/specialpages/give-hope-campaign.php

Please sign the petition for government funding for research! http://www.helpher.org/about-her-foundation/petition.php

Whipping It Out for Toddlers

Lord, when the scandal about Attachment Parenting and Toddler Breastfeeding came out along with that ridiculous TIME magazine pose, I was too tired to say or write anything about it. Basically, I am still too tired (and sneezing from hay fever) to wax eloquent. Fortunately my friend Lauren of the blog, HoboMama said it so eloquently here. 

But I do want to get just 4 short thoughts off of my chest..so to speak:

1) I’m Coming Out. I’m one of them.  I still breastfeed my 26month-old. Sick, ain’t it? She has teeth and a big head. She can stand on a chair unassisted. She can ask for it. She’s even been known to yell “Booby!” when she’s hurt or extremely tired. Nobody really knows because it only happens 3 times a day around sleepy times, so I felt I had to come out of the closet with this picture:

Why on earth would I decide that there is a set time to wean that has to do with society and nothing to do with me or my child? I don’t do any of my parenting like that. Iris definitely seems to be weaning but I’m going to let Iris nurse until she gives it up of her own accord or until I physically or emotionally feel done.  And as someone who has worked with children for 17 years- it has been lovely to see each individual child-parent duo to come to their own conclusion about the time of weaning. Some at 6 months because mom has other needs or plans and some at 5 years because it was mutually beneficial for that long. And the people who didn’t even try breastfeeding? I love you too for knowing what you want and what you don’t, but this isn’t your conversation.

2)  People in life are saying, “Maybe 3 is bordering on OK, but 4 is just too old! These women are trying to keep their children babies longer.”  How many 12-year-olds have you seen breastfeed? What’s the big f”ing deal about a 5-year-old breastfeeding once or twice a day?  And what is actually wrong with a mother wanting to keep one last bastion of babyhood lingering until the child is ready to be done?  Babyhood and toddlerdom fly by like a breeze and you know almost ALL moms are sad when its gone, trying to find ways of keeping their children babies. How about the moms whose children are still in diapers at 4 because “He’s Not Ready?”  Oh, you just mean that breastfeeding becomes sexual at 4? That is your own perverted, pedophilic mind, not that of the child or the mother. I am so done with people genderizing and sexualizing children.

3)Also, thanks, TIME magazine for trying to make this Mother’s Day REALLY WIERD AND UNCOMFORTABLE  by attempting to make mothers who don’t breastfeed a 3 year old feel not “Mother Enough” and also for pitting Attachment Parents against more mainstream parents and  making both sides and everyone in between super defensive. I feel like we’re all going to wind up with “Parenting Choices PTSD” after this week.  Also, thank you for not mentioning race, class, ethnicity, sexuality or family history as factors in why women choose to or choose not to breastfeed for a given length of time. It is always helpful to leave those things out of the conversation (and photos) when we are discussing topics which have EVERYTHING to do with those influences.

4) One thing I always wanted to say about breastfeeding photos and Nursing In Public: People are offended by these A-C cups, PLEASE?! Nobody should be batting an eye! The baby’s head (and certainly, Toddler’s Head!!) covers the whole darn breast!   Try photographing me nursing a newborn with my G-cup gazongas and then we can talk about what its like to see somebody “Whip It Out.”  To get those suckers out to feed the baby, I had to only wear button-down shirts, unhook the bra, and basically JOSTLE AND FLOP them boobies out! In the restaurant. While you were eating.

Happy Mother’s Day, All!

Creating a Village

click here to read my article at natural parents network on Creating a Village: SHARING ATTACHMENT!

In other news: It makes a lesbian mama proud to have a daughter with a mullet like this:

How Co-Sleeping Saved My Baby: Apnea and SIDS

Rare photo of Iris sleeping

Up to 10 percent of children are thought to have an undiagnosed sleep disorder. Sleep disorders range from restless legs syndrome to circadian rhythm disorders to obstructive apnea and what I’m talking about here, Central Apnea.

Central Apnea is why premature or ill babies are on apnea monitors in the hospital and it is why some babies go home with apnea monitors. The central nervous system (brain) is not well-developed or regulated and can “forget” to breathe properly during sleep. But central apnea (called Apnea of Infancy in babies) can effect a baby all the way until 2 years or more and it isn’t always preemies. Bear with me, this is going to be about co-sleeping and SIDS.

I know about central apnea because my daughter was diagnosed with it at 7 months old. We were hoping for obstructive apnea which would have been easier to fix. Iris wasn’t premature but she never slept longer than an hour at a time. As it turns out, some brains take longer to develop proper sleep-breathing regulation and it isn’t only preemies. If up to ten percent of children have an undiagnosed sleep disorder- maybe these sleep-breathing or night-waking problems so many of us have are really…kinda normal?

I thought Iris was having normal newborn behavior but as we reached 6 months of sleeping for an hour at a time, I knew something was wrong. Her apneas were usually very short but they were so frequent that her sleep study at 8months did show low blood oxygen.

From a newborn age I knew she was stopping breathing for periods of time because I was co-sleeping with her and very aware of her breathing. For months I either told myself that periodic breathing was normal or that it wasn’t happening. I told myself, “she’s just sleeping so deeply, I can’t hear or feel her.” But that was a joke, this child has never slept soundly.

There really were only a small handful of times that I thought Iris was in danger and looked grayish and that it had been more than ten seconds since I’d noticed no breathing. Those times I woke her myself if I thought she wasn’t breathing- simply by leaning close and breathing next to her face and she would gasp and start crying. So we co-slept and I breathed on her all night, and she woke constantly all night (and because of all of the waking, we had her tested for apneas.)

All young babies (and even adults) can have 15-20 second pauses between breathing while asleep. The trick is whether or not the child is able to come out of it and how quickly. Central Apnea. It is understood that the main mechanism to prevent breathing disaster is the body’s ability to wake up during one of these pauses. This is why we had a girl who woke so frequently and why we still have a child who when her breathing is already hampered by a respiratory infection might wake up to every 20 minutes.

We can read a zillion studies about a “correlation” of Apnea and SIDS and other studies which simply believed that a child with Apnea was more susceptible to SIDS. But most parents of non-preemie children with Apnea do not know the diagnosis for a very long time. Many families go through multiple life threatening events where the baby is found gray or blue in a crib without getting any medical help and so do wind up with a child on an apnea monitor. (We know this from the SIDS stories. Many parents report previous breathing issues with sleep.) And I personally worry that with children with undiagnosed central apnea who consistently sleep in a separate room might have some apnea episodes they come out of on their own that nobody notices and then eventually one fatal accident (SIDS).

Dr. Tom Keens at Children’s Hospital, Los Angeles has said on the SIDS Network:

“One THEORY about SIDS is that all babies have respiratory pauses during sleep, which can last up to 15-20 seconds. This appears to be normal. The question arises how babies ‘rescue’ themselves from these breathing pauses. One hypothesis is that waking up, or arousal from sleep, is an important defense mechanism we all have to protect us from potentially dangerous situations during sleep. The THEORY would suggest that babies have many breathing pauses. However, if they do not arouse in response to one of them, they might not be able to get out of the apnea, and this could cause death. Personally, our group has done a fair amount of research on arousal in infants, and I BELIEVE that it might be important with respect to SIDS. However, this has not been proven.”

Obviously, much more research must be done, especially on how infants “revive themselves” after apnea events. Maybe infants shouldn’t be left to revive themselves at all. There really isn’t much human baby can do for itself in any other area. When studying prone sleep position, researchers found that future SIDS victims had less arousability when sleeping. And I do know one thing: breastfeeding, co-sleeping babies are more easily roused and don’t sleep as deeply. I doubted this for a long time until I read the evidence because I feared it would prove right the non-breastfeeding, non-co-sleeping naysayers who said our baby’s sleep waking was my fault. But crib sleeping didn’t “feel” safe. And for us, as it turned out, it wasn’t.

When we talk about arousals from sleep, and prevention of apneas, we talk about carbon dioxide. Breathing in carbon dioxide (say, from a sleeping parent?) is what stimulates human breathing- our brains noticing carbon dioxide in the blood stream actually drives us to breathe. If we have a ton of oxygen, our lungs do not need to work so hard. Adult patients with old-age or heart/brain injury induced central apnea are treated with carbon dioxide! A minuscule amount of extra carbon dioxide can prevent long apnea attacks in adults and premature infants.

In autopsies from SIDS deaths, they find that breathing has stopped, but they do not find a cause. Central Apnea as sole cause of death is not something that can be found by autopsy. There is no strain With multiple medical tests including ultrasound of brain and MRI, there was nothing that showed my daughter’s brain to be different. In fact, many autopsies of SIDS victims show minute differences in the brain stem (central apnea) or respiratory system (obstructive apnea) but apnea is not ruled cause of death and is simply called “SIDS.”

Medicine is failing families by not finding cause and prevention of SIDS. What if further studies were able to say, “Co-sleeping and breastfeeding together are 99percent effective against SIDS”   SIDS would no longer be this mysterious sudden infant death, it would be a lethal combination of central apnea (something which matures over time) and sub-optimal sleep conditions. Finding out more about apneas and sleep deaths would involve sleep studies of random babies at various ages while co-sleeping and crib-sleeping and comparing many factors including vaccination schedule, .

I wish the legendary Dr. Ferber (with his Cry It Out method of sleep training) at his sleep institute would concentrate his work and funding on something important like this, something that would save lives instead of injure brains. Fortunately, Dr. James McKenna is doing some great work and I hope central apnea will factor into his work in the future. There needs to be a study like this one on co-sleeping and arousability.

I guess I just don’t believe in a mysterious thing that kills babies with no cause. I want to trust that by either evolution or creation, our otherwise healthy babies are born to breathe and live. It seems that the more frequent waking and nursing that co-sleeping babies do might be actually adaptive, rather than maladaptive.

Should newborn babies be tested for apnea in order to prevent some cases of SIDS? Hmm, maybe. Should families be encouraged to co-sleep and breastfeed because it does literally prevent SIDS (SIDS is by definition a “crib death”) ?  I say: Yes.

Like a Turtle: The Sleep Learning Process

And by “like a turtle”, I just mean SLOW and STEADY wins the gentle parenting race.

Long ago, I posted this article on our first “sleep training” process which was not the typical sleep training at all but more of a gentle night-weaning. This is my update, and some tips. I have since taken on clients in my Parent Coaching Practice who want gentle steps toward better sleep. I tell them its not easy and it doesn’t happen in three days.  I tell them there will be some crying but that they shouldn’t ever leave a crying baby alone. I tell them NO FALLING ASLEEP ON THE BOOB!  Well, not after 12 months anyway, if you are trying to change your child’s sleep habits. 

For 16 years as a nanny and infant nanny and then postpartum doula, I taught other people’s children how to sleep. I did what the parents asked. Sleep training either worked or didn’t work depending on if the method worked with the parent’s emotions and the child’s personality. I learned what I would never do. I learned I could never let my own child Cry It Out.

Things for us are not perfect since starting the process of gentle sleep learning months ago. My daughter still has a sleep disorder which makes her wake up every hour at the point in her sleep cycle where other people usually can fall into REM instead of waking fully. My family is full of sleep disorder and my own sleep has always been *expletive*.

Eventually, it was apparent that I needed to try and teach her how to fall back asleep with less and less help from me for the sake her heath and for mine. But it was very emotionally complicated to do any sort of sleep modification with a child I knew had a medical disorder and really couldn’t help it.

As happens to all families and with any method, there is some backward movement for us with respiratory illness because I do not want extra snot to accumulate with crying

But on good nights, Iris nurses one time as opposed to back when it was hourly or more. I stopped letting her fall asleep on the boob ever, for good sleep associations and not just pulling off after she was almost asleep- I had to teach her how to fall asleep with me there but on her own and it wasn’t easy. It also wasn’t as hard to listen to as Cry It Out would have been (with me not in the room). There was a little crying and a little thrashing around but I was there with her comforting with voice and a pat on the back. No boob in bed, sleep got a little bit better.

Then, I had to stop feeding her every time she woke up.  That was really hard. I went with only feeding her after 3 hour increments even if she woke every hour and worked toward 4. There was crying, a bit of thrashing around. I was there, modeling sleep myself because it was sleepy time. Sleep got even a little better. (And it tends to really help with the night wakings for my clients even more than it has for us, likely because of the apnea. Sigh.)

Now on bad nights she nurses twice in a chair. On good nights she nurses once. She still wakes frequently to gasp for a breath or after a huge snore because of her sleep disorder but now she is capable of finding my head and touching it and falling right back asleep. My sleep is still not optimal but we do feel she is very slowly in a turtle-esque way growing out of her sleep disorder like the doctors suggested. I could have just let her nurse every hour until I went insane. Or I could have done Cry it Out until we all went insane. Instead, I made slow and gentle modifications and I admit to myself that the attachment parenting route I have taken means that I put myself and my sleep on a lesser priority until Iris grows into an older and easier human. Some nursing babies wake more frequently, it is part of our biology and anthropology to check in with one another at night and night nursing keeps us doing that.

Tips for Gentle Sleep Learning from Me, the non sleep-trainer: *for co-sleeping parents*

1) Perfect your schedule for optimal. Are you on the right amount of naps for the right amount of time? Yep, unlike some other natural parents, I’m very pro-schedule for the sake of sanity and good sleep. I don’t believe in migrating bedtimes or “child-led bedtimes” or carting your child everywhere and sometimes not allowing for any naps.

2) Is your child going to bed too late for optimal sleep? All of the sleep books say this. This is probably the only thing they are all right about. It is scientific and biological and about circadian rhythms and the planet and being an animal and we adults should go to be earlier too. Your baby/toddler is going to bed after 7pm? Bad idea.

3) Only falling asleep on the boob? Work on that. Are there periods of time (like the morning) where there is total attachment to the boob and it is hampering your own sleep. Work on that. Cover them up, even. (The only time I’d ever suggest you cover up your boobs

4) Do you have a nighttime ritual with books and low lights and calmness? Have you tried turning a sound machine on at the beginning of bedtime for the sleep-association of the sound?

5) Did your child have a before-bedtime snack. Something like a whole grain carb and a protein but not sugary. Hummus and crackers.

6) Can your child fall asleep again in the middle of the night by just noticing that you are there or does he always need the breast/to be walked/to be rocked.?  Try working on that.

7) Are you nursing on demand all day like every 20-30 minutes or every hour? Nursing on demand is ideal for babies. But remember that your nursling might not know how to sleep for hours at a time without nursing if she cannot do it during the day.

Sleep Training in (a supposed) 3 nights with a screaming baby alone in a room is torture. Studies have shown that it can cause brian damage and lifelong emotional problems. It isn’t easy and it does leave many parents with lifelong feelings of guilt. Gradual and Gentle sleep learning methods like what I have done and what I teach can also feel like torture for many nights. I won’t lie. But there is nothing wrong with an older baby/toddler crying because they are tired and not getting exactly what they want- with you there for re-assurance. In fact, studies have shown that a child who cries with a loving parent present does not experience the same negative effects a child left alone to cry does. More on cortisol levels, sleep  and crying here: http://www.kangaroomothercare.com/1new-page.aspx

Giving in to constant night-nursing just works for some moms who can sleep through it! Bless them. Damn them! But if giving in to night nursing when a child cries for it doesn’t solve your sleep problems or doesn’t help you and the child sleep for live-able time chunks, it is time to change something. And I am the first to tell you any change sucks until it doesn’t.

And turtles…turtles can sleep under water, but not for long periods of time and not very soundly and there are predators. They must come up for air. Parental Presence is like air to babies.

5 Reasons Why Pediatricians Suck

“Well, we just smile and nod to what our pediatrician says when it comes to feeding and sleeping and vaccinating issues because we don’t agree with him on those things and who wants to make your doctor mad, you know?” I have heard this a thousand times.

Mary Cassatt

Why on earth would you have a doctor who does not agree with your own researched views of child health and behavior? (Just in case? Well read on for some alternatives to traditional pediatric care, just in case..)

1) Sleep. For sleep issues, Cry It Out is all most of them know (when there are countless fixes to try that would take to long to go into in a 15 min visit- I guess all the better for parent coaches like me?). They believe babies should learn to sleep through the night as early as possible (without any medical evidence and against all biological and anthropological evidence to the contrary. Don’t want to cry it out? They’ll tell you to night wean because breastfeeding is the cause of bad sleep. (But what about all of those formula-fed kids who wake up at night?…) Not to even mention the problems with recommending all children sleep in cribs.  The American Academy of Pediatrics has a policy against co-sleeping but they also believe that no matter the age, you should not immediately attend to your woken baby’s cries or pick her up. 

2) Formula. They are paid to push formula. The American Academy of Pediatrics receives gigantic donations from formula companies (in the millions every year though they have a policy against detailed disclosure) and have a history of allowing formula companies to lobby them away from measures which would further increase breastfeeding in the U.S. The AAP conferences are funded by formula vendors.

Peds are inundated with samples and rep visits from formula companies so that formula is always on the brain. When it’s always on the brain, it becomes a pretty easy answer to a bunch of medical and behavior problems. And don’t expect a pediatrician to actually help you with breast pain, latch or other nursing issues, they aren’t trained in that. 27 percent of pediatricians offices report that their staff has no specific training in breastfeeding. You are very lucky if they have a lactation consultant on board.

To quote the above-linked article from Mothering Magazine:

“The mission statement of the AAP is ‘to attain optimal physical, mental and social health and wellbeing for all infants, children, adolescents and young adults.’ While I’m sure this is true of many well- intentioned and courageous members of the AAP, the organization as a whole has traded optimal health for infants for political position and financial gain. The group has done good work over the years, but ties to government and industry as well as constant funding needs inevitably compromise its mission.”

Fortunately in the U.S., it is illegal for formula reps to directly pay individual pediatricians. Here-gifts, meals, office supplies, vacations and a year of free formula to a family member are legal and of course, samples for your newly born patients. 70 percent of doctors report recommending a favorite brand.

3) The CDC growth chart. It they know anything, they should know that the CDC itself recommends pediatricians use the World Health Organization growth charts for breastfeeding babies and toddlers instead of the CDC charts. Still, most pediatricians use the old CDC chart for breastfed and Formula fed children, regardless of the fact that there is a big difference. Formula has led to an epidemic in infantile obesity, throwing the charts askew for many decades. Using the CDC chart makes pediatricians see a breastfed baby’s growth as abnormal- leading to usage of formula supplementation and cause for alarm and medical testing to find a physiological or neurological illness causing the lack of growth.

4) Vaccine Pushing. One of the main jobs of a pediatrician is to push a certain vaccine schedule – for a few reasons. One reason is the theory that it will protect babies and the population. Another reason is all of those “well baby” visits add up to great profit. Another reason is that HMOs pay pediatricians bonuses if they have a fully vaccinated practice (leading many to turn away patients who do not conform.) This is one of the things that makes pediatricians different from all others- they are in charge of vaccinating America on schedule.  But pediatricians often don’t know as much about vaccines as well-researched parents do, or if they do, they probably lie about it. I went to an appointment with a mom I nannied for once. Before shots, the mom asked, “are there any possible side-effects or dangers?”  the Ped said, “No.”  We had a feverish screaming baby for three days who did not want to eat. The doctor said it must be a cold. A week later there were some random seizures. “Febrile seizures” he said, but there was not a fever at the time.  There was obviously no vaccine reaction reported.

I’m not saying all vaccines are bad, but I once sat in a room full of pediatrics med students and professors at the University of Washington on a panel explaining my selective vaccination schedule. I asked why it was beneficial for babies to get so many shots so early in life. A professor replied, “It really isn’t. There is not really that much benefit to the baby. Most things could probably wait until 2 for most vaccines. It’s mostly so that we can get them all vaccinated before we lose them from the practice.”  But what if it actually hurts tiny babies to be injected with so much aluminum and thimerisol? We don’t really know because of the lack of quality reporting to the CDC by pediatricians.

5) Overuse of Antibiotics. Lets say a parent’s child has had a virus for three weeks and wants it over with. They ask a pediatrician for antibiotics. Though antibiotics won’t help with this common flu virus, the doctor gives in anyway.   The side-effects of antibiotics can be diarrhea, a mild allergic reaction like hives or a life-threatening emergency (like I had as a toddler).  The overuse of antibiotics causes bacteria to mutate into resistant strains which make the disease more difficult to shake for everyone and very dangerous for the very ill.  The last article cited a doctor who believes we will have to inoculate children with the good bacterial flora our human bodies have lost over time due to widespread usage of antibiotics. Children’s own immune systems are changed by the antibiotic, there is often overgrowth of bad bacteria leading to other infections in the body and on the skin leading to the need for more pharmaceuticals. And getting antibiotics for an ear infection may lead to increased risk for getting another ear infection. (A naturopath can cure it with garlic oil.)

6) Clogged Waiting Rooms. All of those well-baby visits scheduled in advance mean that practices are full all of the time and patients who have pressing health concerns cannot get in to see a doctor when sick or may go months without care while they wait on a list.  Preventative medicine is a good thing and this includes the family taking care of baby’s health at home. But why does a healthy, thriving baby need to go to all of those scheduled appointments..every month or three?  Vaccines, I guess. The low-income pediatric clinic by my house tries its best to see every patient they can, but they still have to send sick babies to the hospital for mild conditions sometimes. If you don’t have a pediatrician yet or if you have left yours, you will be paying big bucks at the children’s hospital clinic.

Now for Our family’s personal story.  Why WE don’t have a pediatrician. (We do have a naturopathic pediatrician and a family MD who was carefully researched and tested and screened but we haven’t used her much yet.) Maybe there are a few good pads out there and I’d love for you to tell us about yours below. But the model and the academy is the problem. Here is our Story:

When Iris was going to be born, I didn’t think we needed a pediatrician. She was a growing and happy baby before the sleep  issues became truly apparent at around 6 months. The weight-gain issues then became apparent at around 11 months. So by that time, I was searching like mad for a Pediatrician. I mostly couldn’t get in because as you know, you are supposed to find and stick to one pediatrician before your child is even born. The waiting lists for the recommended Peds here in settle were three to nine months long and it didn’t matter that we had actual pressing health issues to discuss.

For months we had been occasionally seen at the low-income clinic by the house but never seeing the same doc and usually seeing a resident and never getting any real help- and mostly worked with specialists. The sleep doctor and the neurologist.

I asked the receptionist which Peds clinic which doctor, if not the ones recommended by friends, could see us quickly. We made an appointment for a month out with a young Pediatrician. In the meantime, I found out that she was being sued by multiple families over bad advice that caused irrevocable damage. (The issue was actually ignoring the evidence parents were bringing to the table.) So I cancelled my appt. About a week later, after seeing my daughter’s neurologist in that same office, our wonderful neurologist got us in to see one of the good pediatricians immediately. Phew. Or so I thought.

The new doctor walked in and announced she knew we were there to find out what was causing our daughter’s diagnosed sleep disorder. “You aren’t going to like this” she said looking at my “Whip It Out: I Support Breastfeeding” shirt. “But I believe she will suddenly gain weight and start sleeping through the night if you just stop breastfeeding.” She was right. I hated her already. She didn’t go on to ask how much table foods Iris was eating. I offered up, “meals like that of a child three times her size.”

This new doctor also wanted to talk to us about Iris’s recent pee test. The pee test was for metabolic disorders but she was worried by a slight margin of numbers that Iris might have a urinary tract infection and probably needed antibiotics so we needed to re-test her pee. I said she didn’t have a fever and her pees were fine.  I said she was already potty trained very early and could likely pee in a container.   “You should potty train my son” she said. “I can’t potty train him because he has an inverted penis and splashes standing up.” (How stupid is this woman?) They weren’t going to wait for pee, so they said we had to catheterize her. They made me hold her down screaming while they hurt her. It took a few jabs before it went in.

I noticed formula sample bags everywhere on my way out. The test came back negative for UTI and that is the mommy decision I regret most of all so far.

Just curious, I immediately asked four friends who had weaned. “He lost weight.” said each one of them. Two of them said , “And then we went back to the pediatrician to see about helping him gain weight.” and then one of them said, “They put him on a special toddler formula.”

So, I should stop breastfeeding so that I can buy the formula that the doctor gets paid to push. I am pretty sure that is how it would have gone, had I not cancelled my follow-up appointment with that doc. This was just one of my 5 bad experiences with taking Iris to a pediatrician. Not to mention all I have seen and heard over the years working with families in LA and Seattle.

I’m not getting in bed with any pediatricians who sleep with the AAP which sleeps these companies:  vaccine manufacturers, other major pharmaceutical corporations, Lysol, Procter and Gamble, Johnson and Johnson (all known AAP donors). We know the negative effect on health that pharmaceutical company lobbying of doctors to push adult drugs has had. It isn’t any different in Pediatrics.

How do we survive without a Pediatrician? Our naturopathic pediatrician‘s office can prescribe meds or antibiotics after we have tried natural remedies. They have vaccines, if you ask for them. We see a specialist if needed. We have a family medicine MD who can help me think through certain things and look at a bigger picture. She isn’t as targeted formula companies or vaccine reps. In an emergency, we go to a clinic or the emergency room. Can ya dig it? Life without trying to find the right pediatrician is awesome.